Dr Andrea Walker bases her whole assessment that I'll become psychotic & cause harm to my family members based on: http://www.austlii.edu.au/au/cases/qld/QMHC/2010/ I repeat & repeat I have never been a criminal, & never will be. My violence I showed in one off incidents in 2005, 2006 & 2009, footballers do much worse week in, week out year after year ad infinitum. QLD is a very conservative state. I was stable in NSW because they don't willy nilly impose ITOs or ship me off to hospital. I had a weekly support group FUNDED by NSW Health...that SERIOUSLY helped me stay out of ITOs, hospitalisation, loneliness & trouble. No such offering is offered here in this bloody state.

I should have heeded my last case manager in Sydney, a Cath Pace, warning me to stay in Sydney. Soon after relocating in Brisbane Jan 2005, a support group member/maybe friend (I'm neurotic on the meaning of that blasted word) who helped me/drove me to Woolworths & texted me a few times - committed suicide. Later, my favourite band Crowded House, their drummer Paul Hester killed himself. That, on top of the large phone sex bills - is the unofficial story & CAUSE behind my 2005 DVO, ITO & hospitalisation. The official story is I NEVER felt that isolated in Sydney, if at all - less clinically. 

I am upset at my social isolation. I don't care anymore if Bruce Owens was too stingy to allow me & my former psychologist Corinne Le Patourel to drive to Nundah House for rehab in late 2011. The clinical report has one thing right. I am VERY upset with the social setup of society at large. Being on an ITO will inflame that. Please do all you can Julie to get me of this ITO. I've given up on the internet to provide me any, or some social comfort. I've poured out my brains, heart & soul for minuscule feedback. 

Maybe everyone's jealous of my intelligence...in the end I don't give a rat's race a$$. All I know is my status will freeze to minus par Antarctica levels being on this ITO. Yesterday at Woolworths - Dr Walker's damning crucifying words that I'm thought thought disordered played on my mind. If I wasn't on my game, I would've fallen apart. That proves I am strong & NOT mentally feeble. But if they keep on pre-empting my future with alarmist slander (hey maybe my treating team watches too much Law & Order, CSI blah blah blah), they'll eventually win. 

My mum is already indoctrinated & poisoned with status seeking, attainment & consolidation. Hence any slight progress I made is negated with the high $ick $tandards of $ociety - transmuted to my mum's sporadic & damaging outburst at me for my lack of $tatus. I'd prefer I cop her anger daily, rather than yesterday - a fortnight of peace, then one explosive VERBAL confrontation that was so destabilising as I gradually clawed & forged my hopes things we're getting better, plans to go back to TAFE etc. She later fought my sisters, so I didn't feel as bad & actually supported her later late last night. So the tables can turn easily in life. 

I'm pushing to get off this ITO, with or without some mild scene of emotion or theatrics at the actual hearing. I have a doctor's appointment with Dr Sehgal next Thursday, I'll practice some animosity there...it's about time, I have to step out of my cowardly goody goody two shoes at some point Right?

Good evening Julie,

Thank you. I feel confident we'll have a better shot at winning, thanks to this draft submission you wrote!

Thank you for realising & researching I was 'voluntary' in Sydney for 10 years, never admitted to hospital too & compliant with medication/treatment setups. I was on a high dose of oral medication Risperdal back then, & I have photos that prove I put on HEAPS of weight (which led to my mum supporting me to get off them & just stay on Prozac when relocating to Brisbane in 2005). You might remember I said that to you in our last meeting at your office. If I can, I'll scan you some pics of me with a 2004 date stamp - but no promises.

You wrote on page 2, background 12: Jose has future plans to go back to TAFE in 2013 and complete his certificates. Clinical report wrote on page 4: Client remains as a socially isolated individual, living within a supportive but emotionally volatile family, and communicating with acquaintances via the internet. 

Perhaps if you like Julie you could edit it with this added new information: I actually am considering doing a light easier load of a subject (x1/only one) at TAFE for Semester 2, 2012 from a new found & increasing, albeit slow arising, recent stability in my family & household. Today was an example, when my mum picked me up after I walked to the shops. Also my foothold at home, if it wasn't entrenched already, seems to be firming. My mum has had no work this week from her nursing agency & she was asking for me to transfer some money as a result. Over the past 16 months, I've assisted her with $15,000 - the most recent payment being $4000 a month ago. Yes, elements of volatility still exist, but these are largely contained/suppressed/muffled & lessening in lengthy minus intensity. Yes, my dad will come back in July 2012...but I'm subtly coaxing my mum's long held idea & actual seeking/research of getting him a real estate property somewhere else. In effect, this will lead (if it hasn't already) to less conflict & maintaining the peaceful stability at home.

Now for some concerns or minor negatives. Your draft gave me the best chance for getting off the ITO, which is ultimately what I want. But in terms of ''pushing the envelope'' or stroking a stylistic agenda (at times, or when I'm relapsing - ''a vendetta'')...you've abandoned that (probably for my own good? IDK). To me that means I may be compelled to subdue a true chunk of my outlandish character, flair, fire & belief at the May 14, 2012 MHRT hearing. For professionals there's no ''us against them''. My mum preaches this, since she's an RN telling me no one's against me -the health workers are there to help you. Even your phone call today & the bit about Dr Andrea Walker - I could detect my mum in you, or the ''professionals treating co-professional professionally'' culture.

But for me, I probably won't have the bravado to react consistently brave/with conviction to what I write online & I generally don't. Dr Walker's increase of my depo to 50mg is an example. I bluntly think this proves my point i.e. they (the system & the health industry) think I'm sick & needs further restrictions, ala the ITO. They always promise me, ''oh Jose wait another 6 months & we'll take you off the ITO''. That's my private thoughts and stance - I'm getting a raw deal. In person, at the hearing - I may/may not (latter more likely) say that due to being flattered with their time & attention. This HENCE ELIMINATES any ''on the spot'' animosity I may have had held (pent up & built up) in my memory banks.

Only tiny bits of my frustration ever surface in my real life interactions with CCMHC or Bruce Owens, more hints & specks. So again my angry phone call to CCMHC & their hiring of extra security is ULTRA disappointing. It would make me write another 1000 word rant/venting in disgust on their TOTAL ignorance (of my kind benevolent nature & history TOWARDS THEM), stupidity & paranoia in doing such a resource wasting act. But if ''worked up'' enough emotionally, I can bite verbally, with family loudly - for a minute or two only though. The dog metaphor my uncle used in Tagalog for normal people previously crazy, versus docile cats when they go through mental illness episodes - ala my uncle's wife, whom is my aunt & mum's sister.

In ''my world'' (& I'd love to have a pic of myself handy in 2004 to prove it cos no one took records of my weight in Canterbury, Sydney...OR if I can find it it amongst many family photo albums - which could be a bit of a task)  increasing my meds, or Risperdal consta depo to a dose perhaps similar (have to verify it with Bruce Owens or registrar Dr Atul Sehgal next Tuesday when I my next depo is due) to tablet 3mg-4mg Risperdone 2004 dosage levels - did NOT work. I put on MUCH weight, lost confidence, lacked character & cohesion online/offline. Logically that compelled me from taking and dismissing NEEDED anti-psychotics. I even develop an aversion to them - which lasted for some while up until 2009. I was reading & believing anti-psychiatry literature & Scientology then. More weight, more anxiety, more sweat, more BDD, more MI equals less ease, less stability, less family peace. But I didn't have the fire or ''frame of mind'' to tell that to Dr Andrea Walker two days ago on Tuesday 17 April 2012. I was probably too shocked & put off (in terms of deciding/confused on the ''right'' thing to say to get off the ITO or what she'd like me to say so she decides I'm not sick or in need of an ITO extension). I also forgot to express my disgust at her reasoning that I'll cause violence off my ITO, which you Julie addressed & countered well in your draft submission.

You did say I had close ties to my family in your draft, so you got me right there in light of Bruce Owen's repeated solution for me to move out. I guess this leads to my last point. Most of what I wrote wasn't included, & I presume this is our final draft submission before the hearing. I detect & have mainly felt you or a lot of others (even my 11 year old sisters) still see a lot of my ways, style & philosophies of thinking as ''paranoid''. *** I conclude, from all this ''precaution'' shown to me by you & many others, that in order to survive in today's fast paced world, you will have to possess ''that'' black & white thinking. Unfocused metaphysical shades of grey thoughts are not welcome in society now. I guess we don't live in Ancient Rome, Plato & Aristotle any more  despite I personally enjoying a lot of the fruits of other Modern people's labour: oh so pragmatic, practical, productive & far away from my la la land. *** I can pretty much accept that, cos that's how the MHRT & health system operates, plus thinks.

So that's my final proposition to you. The draft is goody/goody - but will the MHRT (which you told me have many hearings, like a factory procession, no background & history checks...for life is already too overloaded with real life commitments, responsibilities, rest, recreation, grooming & maintenance issues) see through what you respectfully wrote? Will they see a discrepancy in what I may or may not personally present in complexity to the MHRT, versus your simplified ''by the book'' submission? i.e. rebellious, eccentric, unconventional, outside the box & argumentative. Or will MHRT's fast paced busy schedule overlook these possible contradictions, dichotomies etc.?

Or will you Julie tame me & rehearse with me Jose in what to say to them? I don't like putting on acts (honesty is integrity for me). I guess that proves I may have a MI, because I don't know how I'll react on any given day in terms of being myself...versus complying or putting on some kind of toned-down ''what society expects'' display. I do want desperately to get off my ITO (my main modus operandi goal with you Julie), & I KNOW you can provide me the needed feedback on how I talk & compose myself, based on our past two meetings. Sadly I'm learning in life impressions are everything i.e. how others (& yourself) perceives you defines a lot of what constitutes success or failure. Good intentions are often over swept away and muddled by perception, stereotype (negative OR positive) & ''certain way'' mood of the person absorbing what I, or you communicate to them & others...done through by gauging facial gestures, eye contact, energy levels of all involved, temperament, concentration, chemistry - even choice of clothes, hairstyle et al.

I've read your draft once & I really like it, I am very proud of it. I'll read it again tomorrow, maybe print it out to see another angle on it. 

Contact me any time,
Jose

PS I feel I've built up a good rapport with you. I feel I can email you a lot, & be myself (expression in email/blogs especially +1, in person & phone I still need practice for I don't see a regular psychologist that I used to in Corinne Le Patourel, like I did 6 months - & the clincher: I have no friends or relatives/cousins any more whom I'm on ''speaking terms'' with in English)...not constrain myself. So I do hope you get that vibe xoxo! But to maximise our chances, I hope you forsake politeness, or fear of offending me & tell me what (if any) areas I can improve on so I can beat this ITO. But then again they do say negativity can stop people improving & fulfilling their potential Right?!?!. Your call...

Was in a black mood today. New Scientist planted that old seed & wound, that I inflame - even TAFE 2013 plans I seriously don't foresee will cure it...of articles about social networking, friendship in primates etc. The magazine explicitly expressed (from dedicated & specialised research) how 150 friends is the healthy figure (I only have 1) & having close contact/s can stave off emotional & physical ailments. Compound this with sister's friends (whom I initially blamed [but now feel neutral, perhaps a tinge positive even] yesterday for making 1 twin accidentally over charge my beloved HP laptop by 2-3 hours the day before) coming over today for a play day. Hence I felt hell lonely, unwanted and reeling from the big fight over my bordering/verging on OCD-like treatment of my HP laptop (this was cured by my above blog entry). 

To top it off, my other male 20yo+ cousin didn't reply to my Facebook message & links to text to voice software at all. I lent William a book on anatomy that whilst VERY GLAD it has a found a use (not wasted or rotting on a shelf) for his study to be an RN (registered nurse)...I'm disappointed and wounding he's too busy/snobby/unappreciative to even quickly reply thanks, or I'll message you a bit longer at a more convenient time (since William has exams). He and his sister (with two toddlers) came over Easter Sunday and we had a great time. I guess this proves there's 2 sides to most facets on life, & you'll seldom see all sides being simultaneously satisfied (Death Cab For Cutie 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark' semi-memory-reference there). Or is society really, definitely maybe NOT 'an angel at work, a bitch at home'? I know doubt, empirical scepticism & lack of faith in your fellow human beings' diary log recollection and scatter brain accounts of their personal VS work life...will now & forever put this question into hiatus limbo. Plus, so well known we deny or suppress into the back of our minds any negative events. So again, truth will unlikely see the light of day.

This leads me on to my main point. My other 20yo+ cousin I had my first online 'spit the dummy' fight with in 3 years. We've had periods of ignoring each other or neglecting, but this was the first fight in 3 years where I said words that RJ found directly & quickly offensive, so he reacted on his Windows Live MSN account about staying away from my negativity blah blah blah. Wow I never knew I inherited a patent on it, who put the devil in you or me (You Am I lyric). Yes, I was in a funny mood & was a tad harsh about RJ ignoring (like he does 9.5 times out of 10) my invite for him attend a small family get-together at the Bronco's Leagues Club on my mum's birthday. At least half the time he asks me to go out with him to the city, I shower & get ready ASAP like a puppy so he's not alone for his haircut or whatever. I've agreed twice the past months. All my invitations to RJ, or whatever requests...ZILCH. Has to be on his terms, not mine blah blah blah.

Maybe RJ & William's generation need to extricate themselves from their vast social network's 'hippy positive' lifestyle. I arguably came from a 'school of hard knocks', my history proves it near irrefutably conclusively. Most kids have a parent that drive as they grow up, I never got that till the last year of my high school (1996 - & even then I dropped out from BDD - a real medical condition like cancer you Doubting Thomas fuck shits). I could list a whole batch of reasons, but that's mundane & I've mentioned it all before, on this LJ blog a number of times. If you think a few ABERRANT RARE words of frustration (not even abuse & stalking in most [if not all] domains of critique) is a reason to ignore a family member, you must live in la la la land. Many times, my cousins have ignored my many chat messages or emails (classic example above with William), but I bloody well move on & don't take it too personally or bear grudges to warrant an Windows Live MSN profile update like RJ did. If you fucking think life is 'one big positive acid trip', I can't wait till your marriage hits the rocks. Let's see how your 'hippy ALL-positive Bible' will stand up or handle that!

I said on my twitter the status quo will stagnate & remain the same, despite all the heroic idealisms & musings of musicians/authors. I've had one cousin my age, ask a few piercing questions about my blog, Sydney Sixers personalised guernsey name & betting hobbies...& whilst I appreciate her attention, perhaps flattered - in the end I realise it's still a friendly 'cop-out'. There's no intensity, urgency and therapy to probe deeper, or to, as I wrote in my mentioned tweet 'to act out of reality' ever suffices and surfaces from most of my interactions with others in this wild wild world. As the latest New Scientist magazine issue said, we all probably have a heap of 'silent voyeurs' on our social networking lists and accounts. I'm glad I don't crave intimate online contacts any more (probably built a tolerance & resistance to it). I had a lot of that 'buddy-buddy' stuff (with both sexes) from 2006 to 2009, hell even my Whirlpool 'james.XY.blunt' forum addiction came out of a big personal space (or vacuum) of low self-esteem & need to prove myself, make a mark on the world. These days the world's alright, the sun shines bright - I'm kicking out the bad dreams (Bardot music lyric there there) & I grow from my gladly self-imposed solitude (call it what you want, aka isolation when feeling negative or DSMV). I develop amazing ways to cope, unique - all 'original thought' (Marliyn Davies TAFE 2009-2011 quote) that I could even maybe one day advise others, write a book on my personal predicament which will be inflicted on more & more.